Stretching the Comfort Zone

Beware the STATUS QUO!

It has a way of creeping up on you, catching you unaware as you snooze through days driven by sameness.  Not that each day doesn't present its own joys, diversions and challenges.  Its just that...well.... sometimes, unless we purposefully mix things up a little, those things take on a predictable routine. 

Case in point: Weekday mornings

MONDAY
Day 1: Husband -            "Time to get up!"           
           Momster -            "G'mornin' everyone- did you remember to blah, blah.blah..."
           Firstborn -            "...s'morning? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Only Son -            "Grrr'mornin'."
           Third Child -         "I don't feel good."
           Sweetie Petite-y - "Hey, Mom- can I tell you about the dream I had?"
           Bonus Baby -        "I'm hungry!"

TUESDAY
Day 2: Husband -            "Time to get up!"
           Momster -            "Ugh, my aching back- oh, that reminds me, we need to...."
           Firstborn -            "ZZZzzzzzzzzzz...."
           Only Son -            "Grrr'mornin'."
           Third Child -         "Why didn't somebody wake me up?! I can't go to school - I need a shower!"
           Sweetie Petite-y - "Morning already?"
           Bonus Baby -       "Can I have pancakes?"

WEDNESDAY
Day 3: Husband -            "Time to get up!"
           Momster -            "Man, I slept terrible...but we have to do this and that and that other thing..."
           Firstborn -            "Mmm-hunh...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."
           Only Son -            "Grrr'mornin'."
           Third Child -         "Do I have to go to school today?"
           Sweetie Petite-y - "I can't get up - there's an elephant on my eyelids."
           Bonus Baby -        "Life cereal please!"

THURSDAY
Day 4: Husband -            "Time to get up!"
           Momster -            "Does anyone need to go in early today?"
           Firstborn -            "....mmmm....mornin'...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."
           Only Son -            "Grrr'mornin'."
           Third Child -         "I still don't feel good..."
           Sweetie Petite-y - "Ugh - I didn't sleep all night with all the aliens in the room..."
           Bonus Baby -        "What's for breakfast?"

FRIDAY
Day 5: Husband -            "Time to get up!"
           Momster -            "Finally- it's almost the weekend! Today we all have to...."
           Firstborn -            "Mrrghrphluffff....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."
           Only Son -            "Grrr'mornin'."
           Third Child -         "Everyone needs to MOVE IT so we're not late again!"
           Sweetie Petite-y - "Do I have to take a shower?  The aliens were back."
           Bonus Baby -       "Can I have Apple Dapples in the living room and watch T.V?"


Then, thankfully, there are the weekends:

SATURDAY
Day 6: Husband -             "Time to get up!"
           Momster -            "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Firstborn -            "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Only Son -            "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Third Child -         "Good morning everyone!"
           Sweetie Petite-y -  "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Bonus Baby -        "Oatmeal - yay!"

SUNDAY
Day 7: Husband -            "Time to get up!"
           Momster -            "Ah, good morning my love..."
           Firstborn -            "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Only Son -            "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Third Child -         "Oh my gosh!  I don't have anything to wear to church!"
           Sweetie Petite-y -  "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......"
           Bonus Baby -        "Second breakfast, please!"




Okay, so some things never change. 

This could have been last week, last month or last year - the cycle repeats as regularly as clockwork, and we've gotten pretty comfortable with it. However, it won't be that way next year, or even next week, because an event forever changing our family dynamic is about to occur - Firstborn is leaving for college.


We knew it was coming, have anticipated it for years now.  Before we ever settled into this routine we knew it wouldn't last forever - kinda like wearing skinny-waisted jeans. Where children are involved, change is inevitable. And, just as I accommodated a growing waistline line with stretch pants, I have pulled out my "pregnant" mindset and begun to prepare. 

Just how, you may ask, am I doing that?  By purposefully stretching my comfort zone. 

EXPANDING HORIZONS 

Our first exercise in this was to invite a Japanese teenager to live with us. Just considering it was like scheduling a root canal - you know you should, but you're afraid of how things might turn out. But Hiro was a revelation.  Friends who had hosted exchange students from the same Asian prep school  spoke of shy to stand-offish, awkward young boys who spoke little English and were perpetually jet lagged.  Hiro had the jet lag, but was mature and self-assured beyond his years.  Exquisite manners, excellent language skills and a natural curiosity regarding the American lifestyle (and willingness to share his Japanese culture) made him an extremely enjoyable guest.  Cultivating an interest in "culinary diplomacy", he insisted on cooking for us, producing a phenomenal miso soup.  Despite the two hours it took him to "whip up" this simple traditional dish (we were starving!), he avoided taking any shortcuts, wanting to do things the proper way.  The result was well worth the wait.

Besides being generous with time and talent, Hiro brought little treasures from Japan, having thoughtfully inquired about individual likes and interests ahead of time.  Bonus Baby thought Christmas had come again in the form of Hello Kitty!  The older Critters (whose comfort zones also bear stretching) gladly accepted his gifts, though took longer to feel comfortable with an extra person in the house.  But for Bonus Baby, Husband and I, Hiro immediately became part of the family.  And by the time his two weeks here were up, everyone was sad to see him go.

TWO JAPANESE SONS

Only Son got to see him again only a week or so later when he traveled to Japan - his first time flying and another HUGE stretch for this OCD Momster. Normally, I'm paranoid about the Critters wandering even our sleepy corner of New England alone.  Allowing Only Son to traipse around Tokyo with minimal supervision (and even less contact) grew us both.  On a scale of 1 - 10, he declared his travel experience a 40+.....and considering we both survived the umbilical cord stretching that far, I'd say it was worth the discomfort and anxiety.  Only Son came home happier and confidant, more tolerant of his siblings (perhaps because he missed them) and is still just as cuddly as ever.


OPENING UP

As if one Japanese student wasn't enough, a month or two later we opened our home to 15 kids plus coaches from a New York boarding school Ultimate Frisbee team. Wall to wall sleeping bags in the living room and basement made our own rambunctious crew a little quieter than normal, but reinforced how accommodating the needs of others makes us better - and can be downright enjoyable to boot!  The team was great (GO PLAID!) and I'd host them again in a heartbeat.



GETTING ON WITH IT

I've finally reentered the workforce.  Not that I wasn't already busy - Lord knows! - but with Firstborn heading off to college, it was high time to turn a profit.  So.... back to the world of adult conversations, compensation (other than kisses) for my labors, and directly contributing to society.   Yes, I was a little nervous.  After all, I'd been raising kids, not keeping up with work place trends all this time. But I like making my own mark, not hoping one will rub off second hand.  Wish the art and writing had done it, but like ripe cheese, a little age and mold might make all the difference.  In the meantime, now that I've somewhat mastered the skills my new/old position requires, I'm actually enjoying myself, and the Critters are learning just what it takes to keep this even busier household on track, since they have to help to pick up the slack.


LETTING GO

Firstborn has been exerting her independence lately by making some choices that we both recognise as... well, let's just say a tad controversial. 

She is spreading her wings, getting ready to fly the coop.  At least... half of her is.  The other half resisted getting her driver's license, procrastinated finding summer employment, avoided completing her college loan applications, and still wants to be Momster's baby girl.  But now that she has FINALLY done the first three, I hope she realizes that the latter is a lifelong thing --- less the financially dependent part, please!


HUSBAND'S STRETCHING TOO

Not that he really wants to, but Husband has had to stretch a lot lately as well.  Not only is he learning to trust in God's provision (timely job opportunities that almost exactly bridged the financial gaps we were facing helped there), but he is learning that in order to age gracefully, we are sometimes required to relinquish things both little (like filling-thieving Milk Duds!) and big.....

(....like egos!)

**************************

Post script: In predictable Momster fashion, I am posting this after the fact.  We dropped Firstborn off this week, and she is settling in nicely.  I'm slightly less of a wreck that I thought I'd be, and trying to avoid managing her affairs from across the state.  Maybe all the stretching exercizes really did help. By the by, did anyone notice that I tried to compact several months worth into one post?  Time is at a premium, and as much as I love blogging, it is becoming an indulgence I can't afford - at least on a regular basis.  I may try to just write and leave the cartoons for special occasions --- if enough of you are still interested in wasting a few minutes with me now and then ....  Drop me a line or comment and let me know how you feel about it.

P.S.S.T.: How do you like my new banner?  I just joined Top Mommy Blogs (note all the link options for you to vote for me ;) and I'm learning all sorts of new computer skills t'boot!  Like downloading this tiny image so that I can link it as a URL for my blog listing.  Yeh, yeh, I know I said I don't have any time for all this, but Bonus Baby is so wiped out after Pre-K that I get a little break while she naps - woo-hoo!

Horse Sense: Proverbs For theThin Skinned

Motherhood is hard!

                                               

          

Having been at it for nineteen years, counting all of the discomfort and sacrifice that starts with morning sickness, you'd think that I would have toughened up, have developed thicker skin by now. But parenting today is more challenging than ever.

Friends and strangers alike warned me about the miserable teen years to come.... but actually, for the most part I've been pleasantly surprised.  I enjoy having real conversations with my older Critters - conversations meaningful to both of us, not just me listening with half an ear to juvenile ramblings (while feeling inescapably guilty), settling constant disputes or negotiating privileges.  There's still a fair share of that, but at least now it's interspersed with the exchange of ideas and co-conscious analysis, a meeting of similarly developed minds.  That's probably why it hurts so badly to be disrespected and misunderstood.

This morning after "words"with all four of the Big Critters, I retreated to my room to hide. (Nothing like undermining your own authority by being a crybaby! And perimenopause definitely doesn't help on that front.) What started as me giving simple advice had quickly escalated into overbearing demands (me) and retorted excuses (them).  Standing in a corner furiously wiping at weepy eyes, all I could think was "I'm not cut out for this".




Kinda late to figure that one out!




One of my younger sisters once told me that she didn't want to have kids after the age of thirty because she didn't want to be an "old" mother. I was mildly offended considering I was already over the hill by her standards before popping out any of my Critters.  Five blessed events later I've finally figured out that having them at an "advanced maternal age" didn't make me old: Parenting them into adulthood did.....and does.....and will for many, MANY years to come!*  By the time I'm done raising them my AARP card will be an antique!

When they were little, I was The Undisputed Boss, Bearer of the Young!!!  (T.U.B.B.Y. - another gift of motherhood!) And while they did challenge my authority occasionally, they also trusted me to always do what was best for them.  My rules kept them safe, taught them about the world, and helped them grow into healthy, caring and confident young men and women. Sometimes too confident...

With teens comes a yearning for autonomy - on both their part and mine.  I know it's my job to gradually loosen the reigns, but the harder they struggle for control, the more I tend to tighten my grip.  Don't they get that I'd really rather drop the reigns all together?  They perceive any continued guidance as too restrictive, not understanding that the blinders of inexperience hide plenty of deep ditches along the road.  Before I can give them free reign, I need to trust that they are competent to navigate on their own. (Case in point --- Bonus Baby just rewarded me with a big "MY HERO!" hug for rescuing her foot from the crack in the reclining loveseat, then proceeded to bounce again!)  I hope that someday I won't have to remind any of them to respect other people's time, feelings, possessions and space.  They may strain and try to spit out the bit, but they can trust that I'm just as anxious to take off the reigns.... and see them enjoy the freedom of greener pastures.

Till then, I've adopted these proverbs to help keep me in the driver's seat... and them from upsetting the cart:

...and so on, and so on, and so on.



Obviously there's a lot of overlap here.  I could write a book, but...



..... a Greater Mind already has.




*To give credit where it's due, the Critters are also keeping me young....

...all of them!

                                          And Mom?  Happy Mother's Day - you're my Hero!

NYC

Once in a lifetime.

Even if I go again someday, my first trip to the Big Apple was an event of such epic proportions that I came away from it a totally new girl - pretty impressive since I'm now officially an antique!

But it wasn't so much the big city or crowds, or even the amazing food and art experienced there that made my escape to New York so refreshing.  It was the people I was with.  A family so different, and yet so incredibly similar to my own, that I couldn't help but fall in love with them. I was their fortunate guest, along with Firstborn --- which makes sense since it was El Boyfriend's family.

When they first asked us to join them, we were both more than hesitant.  It's awkward being the"have-nots" mooching off the "haves".  Firstborn and I both tend to feel undeserving of extravagant gifts.  That is not to say we don't enjoy them.... they just make us feel guilty.





But what's a good Catholic without a little guilt, huh?

I actually got over most of my qualms by being the only member of our household not to succumb during what seems to be our yearly major flu epidemic. Nothing like nursing achy, feverish, puking family members for several endless, exhausting days to make you feel like you've earned a vacation. (If you've seen the post about last Lent, well, that was tame by comparison.)

El Boyfriend, who has been on the scene since her sophomore year, worked on convincing Firstborn.  His argument?  Since she couldn't visit Mexico to spend time with his family, this was the next best thing.  Combined with the rationale that if she saw any potential future with him, she should see if she could fit comfortably into his world (logical Momster input), he finally convinced her.


By the time our departure date arrived, we both began the adventure excited and bubbly. El Boyfriend and his sister Princessa, also a boarding student here, traveled with us, and needless to say as I chauffeured, none of the homework that was expected to be done during the ride to the airport was.  I relinquished my role of helicopter mom the moment we got there, becoming instead a gaping tourist.

Not counting a trip to the Midwest when she was still a toddler, this was Firstborn's first flight, but she took it all in stride.  I, on the other hand, was giddy over the Airtrain, subway, and my first ever cab ride, following wherever El Boyfriend led like a puppy on a leash. We met up with the rest of his family at a high-rise hotel overlooking Times Square.  An array of Mexican confections had been laid out in welcome, and we couldn't have been greeted more enthusiastically.... making me realize I 've got a whole lot to learn about hospitality.

We did more in a few short days than I would have ever dreamed possible. And certainly more than Firstborn and I would've been able to do on our own.  But rather than bore you with an endless sightseeing litany, here are a few highlights of the trip....

Oh, the lights! The WIND!
Vaminos!
Liberty Island, missing the boat, and that famous photo wall
Playing at FAO Schwartz
Mmmmm, sushi!
Morning at the MOMA
Margarita's shoe
Bobo
Shopping anyone?
The Barber at the Met
No more photos, please!
Dinner at midnight and more friends
Mass at St. Pat's
Baby, it's cold outside!
Central Park and the Metropolitan Museum
Tearful goodbyes
Lost on the subway

... and here's a poem I began the first evening:

Times Square below,

gracious hosts asleep in the room next door,

I look out upon the

sparkling,

              bustling,

                          sleepless city                                                                                      

simply amazed that I am here.

Me - nearly 50! – living a girlhood dream.  And yet…

how ironic to be dependent on hospitality from south of the border,

 enjoying fruit plucked by foreign hands,

while elsewhere in this great land of opportunity

 my countrymen put guns into the hands of Mexico’s native sons,

and fence Her daughters out.

Tomorrow we will visit a memorial inscribed with names from around the world,

hollows in the ground where once stood Twin Towers,

absence where trade and commerce once unified, a job now left to tragic memory.

We will see Lady Liberty, though our hearts won’t race with the same anticipation

as did the huddled masses’ awaiting America’s embrace. 

We will pose for photos,

hoping that snapshots of Battery Park, New York Harbor, and St. Patrick’s Cathedral

will capture the echo of liberating freedom surrounding us.

We will eat sushi, see an Italian opera,

 view paintings by  Flemish/Spanish/French masters,

each experience highlighted by the easy laughter of friendship- no!- make that sisterhood.

As middle-aged offspring of both North and South

who must return eventually to our respective lives and borders,

let’s linger a while in this American Mecca- this melting pot,

drinking in the sights,

feasting on such pleasant company,

enriched and oh! - so young again.

Everyone expects the "small town girl goes to the big city and discovers there is so much more to life" scenario.  But how often does someone my age, born and bred in the sticks, but living on a mountain by choice, not circumstance, head for the bright lights to get away from it all ---- and come back refreshed and appreciating her rural life anew?

Never, that's when!  People my age head to the hills or the beach to rejuvenate.  We go where the people aren't.  Or if we do go to the city, we stay put.

Guess I'm still a late bloomer.  But you know the saying - "Better late than never!"


To my hosts, I can never thank you enough. Whatever the future holds for Firstborn and El Boyfriend, we will always be friends.....

                               

Post Script - just in case someone is rereading this and notices that I (who speak no Spanish) made the editorial change from Los Boyfriend to El Boyfriend.  Firstborn, who has taken three years of high school Spanish informed me that he might not appreciate being one of a pack.....